An Open Letter to Those Who Ask me Why I’m Still Breastfeeding
“Dear person who ‘asked’ me about breastfeeding,
I’m disappointed with myself, again. Again, the subject came up- breastfeeding. You might be a mum, or you might not, but 99% of the time, you’re a woman.
I don’t know how the subject comes up. It might be talking about my kids’ sleep routines, (which are none of your business), or about how my kids were birthed, (which is none of your business), or it might be that my two (nearly three) year old has asked for milk in front of you.
And it comes. Sometimes there’s a pause, a micro speck of self-reflection, as you weakly wrestle for a second with yourself as to whether it’s ok to ask the question that is on the tip of your tongue (it’s not, by the way).
And self-control loses to curiosity and your own opinions, and it comes out in one of a few ways.
“So… how long will you feed her for?”
“Wow, still feeding? Will you really keep going for as long as she wants?”
“Isn’t it time to stop feeding her?”
There it is. And now I have to choose, again, between protecting your bubble of ignorance or standing up for my child’s wellbeing and women everywhere who have to go through this shit while caring for their children.
Yesterday I chose wrong.
“Oh, well it’s just at bedtime usually (it’s not). And we find it useful on travel days, you know, for her ears on aeroplanes and stuff…”
There’s usually some ‘shocking’ anecdote about someone you saw whose child is four or five and “still feeding”, and how that is just too long. And yesterday again I betrayed the truth and sat there, saying nothing other than half-assed attempts to protect what you think of me.
“Ah, well, I find that because she’s older I can reason with her more, you know, so if she asks for it somewhere I’m not comfortable I can just say ‘later’ and wait until bedtime”.
This is bullshit. I feed my two year old wherever I want, whenever I want- no, whenever she wants. On planes, and buses, and trains, and in restaurants, and apartments, and hotels, and beaches and in rice fields and taxis and other people’s homes and church and anywhere else she is hungry, thirsty or needs comfort. I take some measures to ensure that people don’t see my whole boob but after three kids I have better things to do than kill myself stressing that strangers won’t see a square inch of flesh doing what it is designed to do.
There’s irony, so much irony in the implication that my kid should stop breastfeeding from the person who produces the food that was designed specifically for them, and instead move them onto breastfeeding from a cow. Whether kids are fed with bottles or breasts or both is the concern for the individual parent, but when it comes to being questioned over my choice to breastfeed my kid don’t think that there aren’t points to press that won’t quickly bring the farcical nature of your implication into the light.
‘Four or five’ is not too old to be breastfeeding, despite the unwarranted weight you give your opinion. Breastmilk is an exceptionally good food for children. The comfort is exceptionally good for children. The way it helps attachment is exceptionally good for children. What is not good for children is having a parent worry when they feed them that someone is going to make a snarky comment or verbally abuse them.
You know what’s easier than trying to cover up every single bit of your skin when you have a baby or a toddler and a muslin and a bra and a top or two, and possibly other children to manoeuvre?
Looking away. Or go somewhere else if the sight of a child drinking makes you uncomfortable or, even better, not make a thing of it and do some inner work as to why this completely natural, healthy thing bothers you- you have a problem, not us.
“It’s for the mother”, some will say, “not the child.”
I was talking about this with a breastfeeding friend the other day and when this came up, we looked at each other almost speechless before bursting into ironic laughter.
Yes, yes it is. My favourite thing, apart from mango juice and watching Orange is the New Black, is having my breasts twisted and chewed on by a toddler, or having mastitis, or having my nipples sliced half off while breastfeeding my newborn (true story). With each pregnancy I have gone giddy with glee at the thought of soaked breast pads, and soaked sheets, and having to cut up sanitary towels or nappies to stuff in my bra when my milk supply ramps up enough to supply Tesco. It’s every girl’s dream, after the Disney prince and dream wedding, having to clear a blocked milk duct that is so painful it makes you retch, by kneading it with your knuckles. Life. Goals.
The fact is that breastfeeding until a child chooses not to, is awesome for the child. In cultures where we haven’t ruined our own perspectives of nature, children self-wean at around five years old.
Yesterday was the last time I will be biting my tongue and answering from a defensive position. These kinds of comments would never stop me feeding my kid, but there are many, far too many women whose confidence is shaken by careless and ignorant words, and so for them my answers now will be strong and clear.
No, I’m not going to stop her. Yes, I will continue for as long as she wants. Yes, it is absolutely awesome for both her physical and mental health. Your perspective is wrong. And actually, those comments aren’t welcome, to me or other women.
From, a breastfeeding Mum. ”
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Olja says
THANKS FOR This beautiful post. Breastfeeding is taboo in UK. The country with the smallest number of breastfeeding mums. All breastfeeding mums need support and to know that That is the best thing They can do For their child. Everyone goes with formula as they think that breastfeeding is old fashioned and not sexy, but they are not aware how their selfishness and not knowing is affecting their kids. Everyone should try and breastfeed as much as they can. And I am 100%for child self weaning. I have 11 months old baby that is breastfeeding and we will continue as long as she wants. It s such a beautiful time and connection that we have. Waiting to come home from work so that she can have her drink the best feeling ever. Love for you and your family.
Adventure Travel Family says
Hi Olja! I can completely relate to knowing a little one is waiting for you to get home so they can have milk, my toddler is always so happy to see me (even if it is just for my boobs, lol). I have friends who really struggled with breastfeeding and I would always defend them if people decided to react in a similar way; I think mums are basically very vulnerable when it comes to feeding and should have a lot more protection.
Rebekah says
Great post, thanks for sharing
For the first time yesterday I got a dirty look from a woman in the check out line when my 13 month old son was pulling at my shirt trying to nurse. This was the first time I had gotten such a reaction, people didn’t really seem to notice when he would nurse as a baby in public.
I used to THINk formula feeding mom’s were the ones who got all the judgemental looks, but the older my son gets the more I see that formula is actually the norm. Not that I’m Judging formula mom’s, my sister is one and I understand that some women have health issues that don’t allow it. But for goodness sakes, I hate how when you have a child all of the sudden strangers think they can comment on what you should do. I’ve even had people tell me to give him sweet tea and a Happy meal. Yes, I’m from the south.. lol. Best wishes to you and your little ones ??
Dawn says
?????? To EvERything you said in this post! My son is 21 months old, and since he tUrned one, ive received so many negative coMments about him still breastfeeding. It drives me crazy!!! EverYthing from “he doesnt need it anymore” to “id just let him stArve” (yes, Really).
People should educAte themselves a bit, before SHARING their ignorant oppinions.
Adventure Travel Family says
Thank you Dawn! Absolute madness what people think- they’re so opposed to it they’d rather be was hungry?!? Yes there should be a LOT more education about this in schools, parents are expected to just know all this stuff when kids come along and by then it’s too pressurised an environment to research and prepare.
Ashley says
My son turned 3 today. I still breastfeed him, but due to my husband’s (very vocal) objections, we must do it secretly. It hurts me that I have to betray my boy and myself to fit the social construct. Thank you for being strong and being a voice for us all.
Adventure Travel Family says
Ashley, that absolutely breaks my heart!!! You are an amazing mama to carry on and do what’s best for your boy despite objections. Go you!!
Kitty says
Thank you so, so much for sharing this post. My son will be 2 next month and I am still feeding. During the time he was a baby, I recieved so many positive encouraging comments from family, friends and the public- this allowed me to publicly feed without batting an eyelid. So why is it that as soon as my little boy began to walk and turned into a toddler that people begin to very vocally judge “he doesn’t need it” “just go cold Turkey, he’ll get the message” (I tried going cold TURKEYfor night feeds and it was tantrum hell!). I’ve found myself lying about how often I feed, how ‘I don’t want to do it anymore’, and being compared to ‘those hippies that feed until their children are 10″ (who cares what other people choose to do?!) I’m in a profession that ADVOCATEs and supports breastfeeding, so why are some COLLEgues joining in with the negative ‘it’s just not right’ comments? I will be forever grateful for my partner, closest friends and mum for always trying to reassure me but the other people are most definitely having a negative impact. Thank you for helping me see I shouldn’t feel guilty or feel I have to keep it a secret.
Adventure Travel Family says
Hi Kitty, I’m so sorry you are getting hassle for breastfeeding your toddler! My daughter is 4 and a half and still feeds occasionally and I couldn’t care less what people think. They don’t have a good basis for their discomfort, they’ve just absorbed an unnecessary and negative message and are trying to pass it to you. Stick with what you want to do and whatever is best for *your* parenting journey! Very glad you found the blog helpful and thank you for commenting!
rsachs says
Great ARTICLE, thanks for sharing. although I had an awful experience and my yongest is now 10 this is such a current issue. check out wpcts “when push comes to shove” where nickita starck is working hard to advocate for women’s informed choices during pregnancy and birth – and beyond! our world is full of control freaks, manipulators and fear-mongerers and only when people like you stand up and others join you will we see change. thank you. for all your h.e. posts too.